Friday, June 8, 2007

Questions for the cosmic void

So this may be a little more of myself than I probably should post online, where all of my friends can see, but I need to put it somewhere. My roommates caught me crying last night, and I told them I didn't want to talk about it just then. But that won't hold them for very long, and I need to organize my thoughts, because I'm going to have to expain myself tonight, when I get home from work...

Also, a bit of a caveat... Pretty much I usually only write when I'm a bit on the depressed side.

Generally I'm a happy person, which explains the infrequency of my posts, I guess.

I've been really trying lately. By that I mean that I've been putting effort into my appearance.

I've been doing my hair, makeup, and thinking about my clothing choices more than normal. For those of you who know me pretty well, this is a switch for me. I'm much more comfortable in jeans and a disney t-shirt, with a baseball cap (usually with mickey mouse). Lately though, I'm wearing nice pants, fashionable shirts, and makeup. I'm doing my hair nearly every day. In the last two weeks, I've spent over $200 revolutionizing my wardrobe. In short, I'm doing my best to become one of those "Utah Mormon Girls."

On top of all of this, I'm excercising 4 days a week. I joined Weight Watchers with my roommate. I've lost 10 lbs in three weeks. I don't think I'm doing too badly.

When I was 20 years old, I was comfortable with the fact that individuals of the male gender didn't really take an interest in me. I wasn't ready for that whole universe anyway. But now, I'm motivated. I'm trying. And I'm getting nothing. At church yesterday, I looked dang cute. I sat down with some boys after church at our Linger Longer (for those who don't know, it's an excuse to eat food and mingle). My roommates were also there. And they got all the attention. 4 boys, with 3 girls. And I got nothing. I tried. I really did. It was like flirting with a blank wall. Everything I said seemed to disappear. Then, I had to endure all afternoon with my giggly roommates being all excited about these boys giving them attention. These boys that wouldn't even give me the time of day.

Later, at about 9:00, one of those guys, who spends a lot of time at our house anyway, came over to watch a movie. Only me and one other roommate were there. But it was like I wasn't even there. I hung around for as long as I could stand it, and then I excused myself.

So my question is, what's the point? If putting effort in gets me the same results as not putting in any effort, then why even try?