I need a friend

This morning, as I was hanging out somewhere between being asleep and getting up, I composed this awesome blog inside my head. It was all about Seasonal Affective Disorder, which I think I have, and my apology to anyone I may have offended with my last blog. Of course, with all great things composed at just such a time, that amazing piece of literature has disappeared into the nether reaches of half sleep. So I'll do my best to get the general ideas across...

I made some sweeping geralities a couple of days ago. As with every situation in which stereotypes are made, there are a number of people who don't fit. Please, if you live in Utah, don't take offense. I am simply frustrated with the fact that, since I graduated from school, I've not met anyone that understands me. I generally feel more irritated with life when it's cold outside, and lately, it's been so cold it can't snow.

I'm still feeling incredibly isolated. Last night, for example, my friends and I decided to watch a movie, and we all threw titles out there, and vetoed each other's suggestions. Finally, I got frustrated and went to take a shower. When I came back they had started a movie I had previously vetoed. This happens all the time. Earlier last week, I wanted to make this great, healthy, orange chicken recipe for dinner, but my friend/roommate, with whom I share groceries, really wanted Chinese Chiken Salad, so we had that instead.

My roommates don't even know me.

I can't be myself, or do things I want to do, because I'm concerned with the feelings of my roommates and friends. We do things they choose, and listen to music they like, and eat where they like the menu. I like Star Trek, Alias, podcasting, classical music, playing video games, reading when it's cold outside, and going to the movies. But I can't like any of that stuff around them because they look at me like I'm a geek or a little kid, like "Nicki, you should have grown out of that stuff years ago." I mentioned once to them that I used to go to movies all the time by myself, because I like movies, and they kept acting like I was nuts. Last night I thought about being forceful, and voicing my opinions a little more explosively, but since I've never done that with these girls before, I thought I might alienate them. Because, of course, after all is said and done, they are my only real close friends in Ogden. So instead, we watched a movie I didn't want to watch, and afterwards, I went downstairs and threw a silent temper-tantrum. And in my frustration, I did a load of laundry because I had no clean jeans to wear to work today. But I wasn't focused, so I didn't remember that my now useless cell phone was in the pocket of my jeans until this morning, when I pulled my clothes out of the dryer... Just one more thing to add to the growing haystack I'm carting around I guess.

Then I got to thinking about my mood and how I never feel this frustrated or irritated during the summertime. I think I may really have an addiction to sunshine. And during the winter time, there isn't any sun, or if there is, there's no heat from it. I've always half joked about having seasonal affective disorder, but I think, in all seriousness, that it's a major source of my problems.

...

...I just want someone I can spend quality time with...