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I was listening to a podcast today and an they played an old lullaby from my childhood. I had forgotten about it until today. I know it was part of some mormon musical that I only saw once, but that's not where I learned it. My mother used to sing it to me at night after she tucked me in. There I was, working away at my computer on a spreadsheet for a meeting when all of a sudden I was transported back to my 6 year old self in my dark bedroom, with my mother sitting on my bed rubbing my legs and singing to me. And at the same time, I was sitting at my desk, tearing up like that 6 year old. It was powerful, and emotional, and now I miss my Mom.
It got me thinking about my parents, and how much they mean to me. They're two of the most important parts of who I am. They shaped me.
A couple of months ago, my family was all together, and we were talking about our earliest memories. And for some unknown reason, mine are all memories of times when I was angry at my parents, or they were frustrated with me. And I think I may have given my mom a complex about that. She's worried that she scarred my early childhood. But the truth is that those memories of anger and frustration are just the ones that I can easily recall. I'm sure I have many more memories of happy times when my parents were teaching, caring for, and loving me. The very fact that I didn't remember that lullaby until today only makes that memory, and today's memory, that much more powerful.
I love my Mom. She's amazing. She's one of the most loving, charitable individuals I've ever met. I don't know what my life would be like without her. And it wouldn't matter how many words I use to describe how wonderful she is. Because I could never get close enough to do her justice. And she'll probably read this someday and think I'm just blowing smoke. Mom. Here it is on the internet for the whole world to see: I love you. You're the reason I am who I am. I couldn't have done the things I've done, seen the things I've seen, or gone to all of the places I've been if you hadn't been there, supporting me through all of it. I'm sad that we live far apart from each other, but someday, we'll live in the same town. We'll eat lunch together and go grocery shopping and stop at the post office. I couldn't look forward to doing those kinds of things with you if I didn't have happy, if subliminal, memories of the love you showed to me as child. Thank you for singing me to bed every night.
...
...And now I'm very homesick...
Friday, November 2, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Fed Up!
Okay. I'm giving you fair warning right now. This is going to be a soap-box edition. I'm going to talk about men in general, but specifically, the guys in my ward, who are all lame! (And it goes without saying that I have to change names to protect the guilty, and because some people who are in my ward may read this.) But, I guess before I get too far into it, I should give you some background information...
Two weeks ago, in church, an older guy I'll call Spencer gave a talk. He was charming, and funny, and educated. He gave a great talk. It surpassed the other two talks by far. Normally, I wouldn't have the guts to go up and talk to him, but Spencer is not a handsome man. He's on the heavy side, and he looks pretty run-down. So I figured, "Finally, a guy that I can be interested in that may actually understand that the 12 year old size two Blondette in the 4th row probably won't give him the time of day. I might actually have a chance with this guy. He's older and out of school, I'm older and out of school. He's not the prettiest fish in the sea, I'm not the prettiest fish in the sea. Something like this could actually work!"
So after Church, there's a linger-longer (which, in Mormon speak means a chance for all us single people to hang around and hook up). I work up enough guts to find Spencer, who is sitting with two other guys, none of whom know each other. I sit down with the three guys and introduce myself. (I need to interrupt for just a moment and mention how nervous and scared I was. I mean, hello, going up to three boys I've never met before and striking up conversation... I must have been crazy.) The thing is, none of the boys really responded. I asked them what they did, what they went to school for, and how long they'd been in the ward. You know, all the getting-to-know-you questions. I even flirted a bit.
Yeah... Got Nothin'. Nothing at all. It was like talking to brick walls. And Spencer? The worst out of the three of them. You'd think that a nice looking girl, who makes an effort at sitting down with three boys without any other reason than to get to know them, would be worth a little effort. But I guess not.
So I left the linger-longer a little bit dissapointed. My brother, who saw the whole thing go down, told me that boys are idiots and they just don't get the clues. Which was something I already knew, but made me irritated just the same. I mean, hello! I'm making an honest effort to come over and talk to you. There could have been no other reason for me to sit down with three strangers. What's not to get?
You'd think this story was over... but it's not.
Monday, I was coerced into going to Family Home Evening by my roommate. I usually don't go because I don't like how all the skinny 18 year olds throw themselves at all the boys. But my roommate really wanted to carve a pumpkin, so we went. Anyway, we get there, and start carving a pumpkin, when who should walk in but Spencer. And I think, okay, maybe I'll give him another chance. He scanned the room for a few minutes and then picked a table full of giggly 18 year old girls who wear size zeros and have big boobs. Let me remind you that Spencer is not cute! I mean, COME ON! What's so wrong with shopping in your own league? I know it's awful to say it that way, but it's true. I don't try to hook up with the football players, or the Brad Pit look-a-likes. What makes boys think they can? Seriously?
So the point of the this particular story is that i'm done. I'm done. Why should I make the effort when I'll just get ignored anyway? The boys clearly aren't looking for a 24 year old size 16 who is finished with school. Never mind that I'm more of a person than any of those other girls will ever be. Never mind that I have more fun and more personality. I guess it doesn't matter that, in conversation, I can talk about more than hair product and soap operas. And, not to broadcast my geekiness, but let me just point out, for the record, that I'm one of 10 girls in the whole universe who like action movies and playing video games. I actually have a playstation (for guitar hero) and an Xbox 360 (for Halo). I don't read romance novels and I usually prefer guy movies over chick flicks. You'd think that these quirks of mine would help me out a little bit... Boys are stupid.
...I'm just done
Two weeks ago, in church, an older guy I'll call Spencer gave a talk. He was charming, and funny, and educated. He gave a great talk. It surpassed the other two talks by far. Normally, I wouldn't have the guts to go up and talk to him, but Spencer is not a handsome man. He's on the heavy side, and he looks pretty run-down. So I figured, "Finally, a guy that I can be interested in that may actually understand that the 12 year old size two Blondette in the 4th row probably won't give him the time of day. I might actually have a chance with this guy. He's older and out of school, I'm older and out of school. He's not the prettiest fish in the sea, I'm not the prettiest fish in the sea. Something like this could actually work!"
So after Church, there's a linger-longer (which, in Mormon speak means a chance for all us single people to hang around and hook up). I work up enough guts to find Spencer, who is sitting with two other guys, none of whom know each other. I sit down with the three guys and introduce myself. (I need to interrupt for just a moment and mention how nervous and scared I was. I mean, hello, going up to three boys I've never met before and striking up conversation... I must have been crazy.) The thing is, none of the boys really responded. I asked them what they did, what they went to school for, and how long they'd been in the ward. You know, all the getting-to-know-you questions. I even flirted a bit.
Yeah... Got Nothin'. Nothing at all. It was like talking to brick walls. And Spencer? The worst out of the three of them. You'd think that a nice looking girl, who makes an effort at sitting down with three boys without any other reason than to get to know them, would be worth a little effort. But I guess not.
So I left the linger-longer a little bit dissapointed. My brother, who saw the whole thing go down, told me that boys are idiots and they just don't get the clues. Which was something I already knew, but made me irritated just the same. I mean, hello! I'm making an honest effort to come over and talk to you. There could have been no other reason for me to sit down with three strangers. What's not to get?
You'd think this story was over... but it's not.
Monday, I was coerced into going to Family Home Evening by my roommate. I usually don't go because I don't like how all the skinny 18 year olds throw themselves at all the boys. But my roommate really wanted to carve a pumpkin, so we went. Anyway, we get there, and start carving a pumpkin, when who should walk in but Spencer. And I think, okay, maybe I'll give him another chance. He scanned the room for a few minutes and then picked a table full of giggly 18 year old girls who wear size zeros and have big boobs. Let me remind you that Spencer is not cute! I mean, COME ON! What's so wrong with shopping in your own league? I know it's awful to say it that way, but it's true. I don't try to hook up with the football players, or the Brad Pit look-a-likes. What makes boys think they can? Seriously?
So the point of the this particular story is that i'm done. I'm done. Why should I make the effort when I'll just get ignored anyway? The boys clearly aren't looking for a 24 year old size 16 who is finished with school. Never mind that I'm more of a person than any of those other girls will ever be. Never mind that I have more fun and more personality. I guess it doesn't matter that, in conversation, I can talk about more than hair product and soap operas. And, not to broadcast my geekiness, but let me just point out, for the record, that I'm one of 10 girls in the whole universe who like action movies and playing video games. I actually have a playstation (for guitar hero) and an Xbox 360 (for Halo). I don't read romance novels and I usually prefer guy movies over chick flicks. You'd think that these quirks of mine would help me out a little bit... Boys are stupid.
...I'm just done
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I've already blogged about the elevator in my building, but here's a little something additional.
Every morning on my way up to my office, I walk into the building and head for the elvator. Which is normal... The thing is, the elevator door is always open. And no one is inside to hold it open... Sometimes, the door is even closing, and I'll walk around the corner, and it will spring open again. But there's no one inside to push the button.
Most people would choose to say, "oh, well, there's a sensor, or it's programed to stay open on the ground floor" or something else equally logical and realistic.
But me? I choose to believe that there is a hot security gaurd watching the security cameras in a small room somewhere, and he waits for me everyday, and makes sure that the door is always open, and that I never have to wait for the elevator to show up in the morning. Maybe I make his day...
... or maybe I need a boyfriend ...
Every morning on my way up to my office, I walk into the building and head for the elvator. Which is normal... The thing is, the elevator door is always open. And no one is inside to hold it open... Sometimes, the door is even closing, and I'll walk around the corner, and it will spring open again. But there's no one inside to push the button.
Most people would choose to say, "oh, well, there's a sensor, or it's programed to stay open on the ground floor" or something else equally logical and realistic.
But me? I choose to believe that there is a hot security gaurd watching the security cameras in a small room somewhere, and he waits for me everyday, and makes sure that the door is always open, and that I never have to wait for the elevator to show up in the morning. Maybe I make his day...
... or maybe I need a boyfriend ...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
iPod
I don't know how I used to survive without my iPod. It seems that the soundtrack of my life was once very sparce, and now it's so diverse! I was walking around in silence all the time. But now, I always have music at my fingertips. As I write this, I have my iPod plugged into my work computer and it's on song 71 out of 1282, which is only the music I have selected for my "at work" playlist. My full library consists of over 4000 songs. It's "pretty-much-amazing."
My old one broke, and I was without for about a month. But no longer! I have an 80G video ipod now. In all truth, I really only need 30Gs, but they only make them in the 80 or 160 G variety now... so I guess I'll just have to take my geekdom to the next level and get some star trek episodes loaded onto it.
... or something...
My old one broke, and I was without for about a month. But no longer! I have an 80G video ipod now. In all truth, I really only need 30Gs, but they only make them in the 80 or 160 G variety now... so I guess I'll just have to take my geekdom to the next level and get some star trek episodes loaded onto it.
... or something...
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
10 Things I'd like to do with my life
I wasn't kidding when I said I was going to make an effort to post more regularly. And this week just happens to be the slowest work week so far in my new career as a Purchasing Agent. The problem with writing frequent blogs, though, is that I tend to run out of things to blog about. If this was a topic blog, I'd have no trouble going on for hundreds of entries about my obsessions: Alias, Star Trek, Harry Potter, and Halo (my new favorite). But this blog is more about my life... which is kinda boring right now...
So I solved today's problem by going online to find some of those "if you're stuck with writer's block" questions and the one I found that I like the best is:
Write a list of 10 things you want to do in your life.
So here goes (in no particular order):
1. I've always wanted to go skydiving. There's something about the total exhileration of falling through the air. I went parasailing once... it was an amazing experience. I can only imagine what an adrenaline rush skydiving would be. (I'd group bungee jumping in with this too, I guess)
2. Visit Europe. I've wanted to go to the UK since I was very young. I once told my dad that I'd love to meet all the "cheery chaps," and it's still true. They have awesome accents, wonderful culture, and amazing history. And while the food in the UK doesn't leave much to be desired, the food in Italy, France, and Spain would more than make up for it.
3. Find the love of my life. I know it sounds corny... but it's true. I can't wait to find the man who will support me in all my crazy wierdness, and love me anyway. He'll like to snuggle while we watch TV, and he'll be open to learning about what I like. He'll love me even when we're fighting. And it goes without saying... he won't be jealous of the time I spend with Marshall the hamster.
4. Be a mom. I want kids more than almost anything. I want to love them, and teach them, and help them become better than me. I'm scared spitless, too, of course. It's a huge responsibility. With every passing year, though, I feel more and more ready to take it on...
5. Make $47 million. I know... you're saying, "Why 47?" And the answer is... because 47 is prime number. Besides, what can you do with 50 million that you can't also do with 47 million? Of course, $1 million would be just fine with me too.
6. Get a Ph.D in English. I've already written about this one... I want to teach English at the University level, and to do that, you need a Ph.D.. My ultimate goal is to return to BYUH and teach there. It would be so great. Doing what I love would be awesome, but doing it on the beach would be better!
7. Buy a house. I'm getting old enough to know that renting isn't all it's cracked up to be. Plus, I feel like owning a home is the ticket to the grown-up's table. Once you're a homeowner, you're part of the real world, it seems. And I have a landlord who never gets anything done. Our furnace was broken all last winter, and now that it's getting cold agian, we'd like it fixed... but as of yet... there is no heat in site. And, oh yeah, the chance to pick my own roommates. No more evil hamster haters.
8. Figure out how to make money online. I'm deep in the middle of trying to figure out HTML code so can write my own website and get into affiliate marketing. Once that's accomplished, I'll turn some of my ideas into money making machines! See 5 for more information...
9. Run a marathon. I have this secret desire to be physically healthy. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. ...Seriously though... Running is in my genes. My brother runs, my mother used to run. All my uncles set records in high school and college. I should be good at it too. It's just a matter of getting focused and learning to love it. I guess.
10. Get a boy to really like me. This one is closely linked with 3. And I can't think of anything better for building my self confidence than to have a boy hit on me. So far, that's only happened a few times in my life. You'd think that there would be boys out there super stoked to find a girl who likes science fiction and playing video games, but I haven't met any yet... I'm working on improving those statistics, though, and someday (hopefully soon) I'll have them eating out of my hand!
So there you go... A lot more of me than you ever really wanted to know, I'm sure. But you kept reading, so you can't blame me. And while you're here, don't forget to subscribe! And now I'm off to sit and stare at my computer, blankly, for another 45 minutes before I can leave and go to the gym to swim 1000 meters.
...I love indoor pools in the winter time...
P.S. I used to live across the street from the tree on the cover of the CD I'm listening to right now. And I was there the day Jack Johnson and crew were taking those pictures...
So I solved today's problem by going online to find some of those "if you're stuck with writer's block" questions and the one I found that I like the best is:
Write a list of 10 things you want to do in your life.
So here goes (in no particular order):
1. I've always wanted to go skydiving. There's something about the total exhileration of falling through the air. I went parasailing once... it was an amazing experience. I can only imagine what an adrenaline rush skydiving would be. (I'd group bungee jumping in with this too, I guess)
2. Visit Europe. I've wanted to go to the UK since I was very young. I once told my dad that I'd love to meet all the "cheery chaps," and it's still true. They have awesome accents, wonderful culture, and amazing history. And while the food in the UK doesn't leave much to be desired, the food in Italy, France, and Spain would more than make up for it.
3. Find the love of my life. I know it sounds corny... but it's true. I can't wait to find the man who will support me in all my crazy wierdness, and love me anyway. He'll like to snuggle while we watch TV, and he'll be open to learning about what I like. He'll love me even when we're fighting. And it goes without saying... he won't be jealous of the time I spend with Marshall the hamster.
4. Be a mom. I want kids more than almost anything. I want to love them, and teach them, and help them become better than me. I'm scared spitless, too, of course. It's a huge responsibility. With every passing year, though, I feel more and more ready to take it on...
5. Make $47 million. I know... you're saying, "Why 47?" And the answer is... because 47 is prime number. Besides, what can you do with 50 million that you can't also do with 47 million? Of course, $1 million would be just fine with me too.
6. Get a Ph.D in English. I've already written about this one... I want to teach English at the University level, and to do that, you need a Ph.D.. My ultimate goal is to return to BYUH and teach there. It would be so great. Doing what I love would be awesome, but doing it on the beach would be better!
7. Buy a house. I'm getting old enough to know that renting isn't all it's cracked up to be. Plus, I feel like owning a home is the ticket to the grown-up's table. Once you're a homeowner, you're part of the real world, it seems. And I have a landlord who never gets anything done. Our furnace was broken all last winter, and now that it's getting cold agian, we'd like it fixed... but as of yet... there is no heat in site. And, oh yeah, the chance to pick my own roommates. No more evil hamster haters.
8. Figure out how to make money online. I'm deep in the middle of trying to figure out HTML code so can write my own website and get into affiliate marketing. Once that's accomplished, I'll turn some of my ideas into money making machines! See 5 for more information...
9. Run a marathon. I have this secret desire to be physically healthy. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. ...Seriously though... Running is in my genes. My brother runs, my mother used to run. All my uncles set records in high school and college. I should be good at it too. It's just a matter of getting focused and learning to love it. I guess.
10. Get a boy to really like me. This one is closely linked with 3. And I can't think of anything better for building my self confidence than to have a boy hit on me. So far, that's only happened a few times in my life. You'd think that there would be boys out there super stoked to find a girl who likes science fiction and playing video games, but I haven't met any yet... I'm working on improving those statistics, though, and someday (hopefully soon) I'll have them eating out of my hand!
So there you go... A lot more of me than you ever really wanted to know, I'm sure. But you kept reading, so you can't blame me. And while you're here, don't forget to subscribe! And now I'm off to sit and stare at my computer, blankly, for another 45 minutes before I can leave and go to the gym to swim 1000 meters.
...I love indoor pools in the winter time...
P.S. I used to live across the street from the tree on the cover of the CD I'm listening to right now. And I was there the day Jack Johnson and crew were taking those pictures...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Decisions
I think it may be time to move on with my life. I've been chillin' here in Ogden, just working, for over a year now, and I'm feeling the need for a bit of change. Actually, I might be content to stay like this for the rest of my life. But, as the saying goes, if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward. At least, I think that's how it goes... Anyway...
The thing is, I've come to this point -- the recognition that something needs to change -- and I don't know what to do. For most of my adult life I've been planning on going back to school to get a Graduate Degree in English. For the last six months, I've been telling everyone (my folks mostly) that I'm going back in January for a degree in Business Admin. It's easier to get into one of those programs, and, it seems to me, that it would be easier all together in terms of homework and projects and the like. The deadline for January admission is in three weeks. I can definately get everything together by then, I'm just not sure I want to.
You see, last night I had a moment of clarity... I thought, "Why the H would I go to school for an MBA, when all I really want to do is read and write and teach English?" But there were reasons that I decided to put off that dream six months ago. And they still stand. English, as a field of study, is hard. It's way harder than math and science. In those fields, you're either right or wrong. In English, everything is subjective. Also, an English Degree takes six months longer than an MBA. And fianally, in any Master's program for the Arts, you have to be fluent in a foreign language, which I am not, to say the least. I barely managed to pass Spanish in college.
All of that considered... All I have to say is I'm an English Major. I was an English Major when I read Charlotte's Web by myself in 1st grade. I was an English Major in Junior High when I used to read ahead of the class during the group reading time. I was even an English Major the whole time I was actually studying Business in college. It's part of me. It defines who I am.
My problem is, how do I reconcile who I am -- and who I want to be -- with the practical side of things? How do I justify giving up one future for another. And why is something so basic as this so hard for me to decide!?!
...Grrrr...
The thing is, I've come to this point -- the recognition that something needs to change -- and I don't know what to do. For most of my adult life I've been planning on going back to school to get a Graduate Degree in English. For the last six months, I've been telling everyone (my folks mostly) that I'm going back in January for a degree in Business Admin. It's easier to get into one of those programs, and, it seems to me, that it would be easier all together in terms of homework and projects and the like. The deadline for January admission is in three weeks. I can definately get everything together by then, I'm just not sure I want to.
You see, last night I had a moment of clarity... I thought, "Why the H would I go to school for an MBA, when all I really want to do is read and write and teach English?" But there were reasons that I decided to put off that dream six months ago. And they still stand. English, as a field of study, is hard. It's way harder than math and science. In those fields, you're either right or wrong. In English, everything is subjective. Also, an English Degree takes six months longer than an MBA. And fianally, in any Master's program for the Arts, you have to be fluent in a foreign language, which I am not, to say the least. I barely managed to pass Spanish in college.
All of that considered... All I have to say is I'm an English Major. I was an English Major when I read Charlotte's Web by myself in 1st grade. I was an English Major in Junior High when I used to read ahead of the class during the group reading time. I was even an English Major the whole time I was actually studying Business in college. It's part of me. It defines who I am.
My problem is, how do I reconcile who I am -- and who I want to be -- with the practical side of things? How do I justify giving up one future for another. And why is something so basic as this so hard for me to decide!?!
...Grrrr...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Marshall the Hampster
I never imagined that pets could afford such comfort. When I was living in Logan I had some roomates who weren't that nice to me. And I worked a lot, so I didn't have much of a social life. I spent a significant amount of my free time alone. So I decided to get a goldfish. He was black and white spotted, and the ugliest fish in the tank at the store. I figured that meant he'd been in there a while and would live through the transfer from the store to my house. I named him Sampson. I know that it's stupid, since he was just a fish, but it was nice to have another "organism" hanging around. I didn't talk to him or anything. He was just there. He died after 4 days. I was REALLY dissapointed. I went through 4 more Sampsons before I decided to give up.
About a month ago, I decided to try agian, with something a little more hardy. So, I got a dwarf hamster. His name is Marshall. He's sandy brown, with a dark brown stripe all the way from his neck down to his little stubby tail. He's full grown at about 4 inches. And I don't think he likes me very much. He used to. He used to be excited to come out of his cage and run around in my hands, and eat food from my fingers... But then... the evil roomate entered the scene.
Did I mention that I have an evil roomate? Again? Well, I do. It's like Logan all over again. She moved in about two months ago, and life hasn't been the same since then. She's very particular about her lifestyle, and gets VERY rude whenever any of the rest of us cramp her style. She spends 75 minutes of prime time in the bathroom, with the door closed... it's okay, though, cuz none of us REALLY need to shower, or access our toothbrushes, or do our makeup, or anything like that, really. (Are you sensing the sarcasm? You should be.) And she has an attitude problem whenever any of us bring friends over. But I digress...
About three weeks ago, she was giving a tour of our house to one of her boyfriends (she has three, so far that I've met), and she took him into my room, ('cause I guess it's okay when she brings people over). Did I mention that I wasn't home? And she couldn't find the light switch in my room, so she's fumbling around in the dark, and knocks Marshall's cage and my mirror off the dresser. The mirror is fine, but I can't say the same for Marshall. He fell four feet to the floor, and I can only imagine everthing inside his cage landing on top of him. He's very scittish now, and doesn't like being touched, or held, or even picked up so I can clean his cage. And it bugs me that my evil roomate is infecting everything. I wish she would move out...
About a month ago, I decided to try agian, with something a little more hardy. So, I got a dwarf hamster. His name is Marshall. He's sandy brown, with a dark brown stripe all the way from his neck down to his little stubby tail. He's full grown at about 4 inches. And I don't think he likes me very much. He used to. He used to be excited to come out of his cage and run around in my hands, and eat food from my fingers... But then... the evil roomate entered the scene.
Did I mention that I have an evil roomate? Again? Well, I do. It's like Logan all over again. She moved in about two months ago, and life hasn't been the same since then. She's very particular about her lifestyle, and gets VERY rude whenever any of the rest of us cramp her style. She spends 75 minutes of prime time in the bathroom, with the door closed... it's okay, though, cuz none of us REALLY need to shower, or access our toothbrushes, or do our makeup, or anything like that, really. (Are you sensing the sarcasm? You should be.) And she has an attitude problem whenever any of us bring friends over. But I digress...
About three weeks ago, she was giving a tour of our house to one of her boyfriends (she has three, so far that I've met), and she took him into my room, ('cause I guess it's okay when she brings people over). Did I mention that I wasn't home? And she couldn't find the light switch in my room, so she's fumbling around in the dark, and knocks Marshall's cage and my mirror off the dresser. The mirror is fine, but I can't say the same for Marshall. He fell four feet to the floor, and I can only imagine everthing inside his cage landing on top of him. He's very scittish now, and doesn't like being touched, or held, or even picked up so I can clean his cage. And it bugs me that my evil roomate is infecting everything. I wish she would move out...
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Monsoons
Today is two years and one day from my first day of work at Kmart. Two years ago yesterday, I was showing up at my new job, full of hope and excitement. I walked in, in my snazziest business clothes, and introduced myself to my new boss. I don't remember how soon after that it was when I realized that this was not the career for me. Soon, I think. A couple of days, maybe. Especially after a I saw the number of hours I was required to work each week. Every manager at Kmart is scheduled a minimum of 50 hours, but they are expected to work many more than that. An average work week for me lasted 6 days (sometimes twelve, if my days off were on opposite sides of the week) and upwards of 65 hours. Once, during the holidays, I worked 22 days in a row. I'd get up in the morning and be at the store to open it at 5:45am. I'd stay all day, with a short lunch break, and if I was lucky, I'd get to leave around 8:00pm. This was only if one of the other managers was around to stay and close the store. If not, then I'd have to stay until 10:30 to close up.
I remember one week, we were supposed to have some visitors from the corporate office come to our store. These were the VPs of the company. If our store didn't look good, we'd get fired. I was supposed to go on vacation that week. I was going to meet my mom and grandma for a week in Florida. My boss called me a mere 10 hours before I was supposed to board the plane and told me that my vacation had been canceled, and that I was expected to do whatever it took to get my store in shape. I stayed and worked 20 - 22 hours a day through that whole week, and the VP never showed. He went to a different store instead. I realize now that I should have let them fire me.
They were a crappy company to work for. My bosses (there were three over the year) were jerks who didn't have any respect for me, my education, or my personal time. And I had to deal with two roommates who were absolute beasts. I have no idea why they didn't like me. My family, when they came to visit, even commented on the chilly atmosphere in our apartment.
The year I worked for Kmart was one of the darkest times I've yet to experience. No one, aside from my close friends and family, perhaps, really understand the place I was in.
The 7th of August last year was my last day. I think I posted a blog about that almost a year ago. I got to move away from there and start all over. More importantly, though, I got the chance to find myself again. I had lost who I was over that year.
A good friend of mine compared times like that year to monsoons. They're sudden, scary, and depressing. They make you feel so dark that you fear you'll never remember what sunshine is like. But of course, like all things, they end eventually, and the result is that life is more vibrant because of the downpour. Flowers bloom and the air is crystal clear.
Since I quit Kmart, this whole last year has been like a spring morning after a storm. I have good friends (even though my best friend, who never reads these, still refuses to move here), great roommates, a great ward. I'm dating consistently (lots of first dates...) and I have self confidence again. I learned a lot from that year too. I know now that a job doesn't have to own me. If I don't like how I'm being treated, I can quit and find something else. A job is a job, but who I am is important.
My life since then has been blissfully peaceful. I'm a little shocked and surprised that God has let me have this respite. And grateful too. Definately grateful. But I know it's coming. And this time, I hope I'll handle it better than I did two years ago...
I remember one week, we were supposed to have some visitors from the corporate office come to our store. These were the VPs of the company. If our store didn't look good, we'd get fired. I was supposed to go on vacation that week. I was going to meet my mom and grandma for a week in Florida. My boss called me a mere 10 hours before I was supposed to board the plane and told me that my vacation had been canceled, and that I was expected to do whatever it took to get my store in shape. I stayed and worked 20 - 22 hours a day through that whole week, and the VP never showed. He went to a different store instead. I realize now that I should have let them fire me.
They were a crappy company to work for. My bosses (there were three over the year) were jerks who didn't have any respect for me, my education, or my personal time. And I had to deal with two roommates who were absolute beasts. I have no idea why they didn't like me. My family, when they came to visit, even commented on the chilly atmosphere in our apartment.
The year I worked for Kmart was one of the darkest times I've yet to experience. No one, aside from my close friends and family, perhaps, really understand the place I was in.
The 7th of August last year was my last day. I think I posted a blog about that almost a year ago. I got to move away from there and start all over. More importantly, though, I got the chance to find myself again. I had lost who I was over that year.
A good friend of mine compared times like that year to monsoons. They're sudden, scary, and depressing. They make you feel so dark that you fear you'll never remember what sunshine is like. But of course, like all things, they end eventually, and the result is that life is more vibrant because of the downpour. Flowers bloom and the air is crystal clear.
Since I quit Kmart, this whole last year has been like a spring morning after a storm. I have good friends (even though my best friend, who never reads these, still refuses to move here), great roommates, a great ward. I'm dating consistently (lots of first dates...) and I have self confidence again. I learned a lot from that year too. I know now that a job doesn't have to own me. If I don't like how I'm being treated, I can quit and find something else. A job is a job, but who I am is important.
My life since then has been blissfully peaceful. I'm a little shocked and surprised that God has let me have this respite. And grateful too. Definately grateful. But I know it's coming. And this time, I hope I'll handle it better than I did two years ago...
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I was driving to work today, and, as is my habit, listening to podcasts. And I got to thinking, again, that podcasting is something I think I could really get into. Not as a listener, but as a caster of pods... So my next thought was, what would I do a podcast on? Certainly I would only do something about which I am fairly knowledgable. Which leads me to my trio of obsessions: Alias, Star Trek, and Harry Potter. Harry Potter podcasts are many in number. Also, the Harry Potter fandom may be coming to a close soon. And I'd love to do a Star Trek podcast, but I think I might have a hard time finding a cohost, seeing as how I'm the only Star Trek fan I've ever met outside of my own immediate family... Which leaves me with Alias. I checked, and there is not a single podcast on Alias currently running. I realize, of course, that Alias is over. And, more than likely, they will never do a movie. But I love Alias. I know way more about the story line, behind the scenes stuff, and general trivia than anyone really has a right to know. Plus, many of my good friends are also into Alias, so it wouldn't be too hard to put together a podcasting crew and produce this show.
Of course, the very idea that I might put together a podcast simply shows that I have too much invested in these franchises. Someone should slap me and say, "Nicki, they are fiction. They don't exist in reality, and never did, and they don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Stop investing time and money (and when I say money, I mean all the DVDs, CDs, and books you buy) in these worthless, fictional ideas." And do you know what I say to that? I say, Screw that! This is my way of escaping my dull life. They give me something to think about. Star Trek, for example, is nothing more than the embodiment of an optimistic future. When we are constantly barraged with bad news about wars and starvation and disease, why not invest a little hope that something in our future will be good? Why not allow yourself the possibility of loving a character so dynamic that you wish with all your heart that Sydney Bristow could come over for dinner? Why not allow, for the tiny moment, that Hogwarts is out there this very minute, and that there are wizards and witches doing their best to make sure the world stays safe for all us muggles?
To all ten of you who read my blogs (I don't know who you are, since you never leave comments... hint hint), I ask, not for validation, but for comradery. Tell your stories. Don't be ashamed to own your fixations. Mine help me want to be a better person. And to anyone who would contradict me, I say:
I want to save the world. What's wrong with that?
Of course, the very idea that I might put together a podcast simply shows that I have too much invested in these franchises. Someone should slap me and say, "Nicki, they are fiction. They don't exist in reality, and never did, and they don't matter in the grand scheme of things. Stop investing time and money (and when I say money, I mean all the DVDs, CDs, and books you buy) in these worthless, fictional ideas." And do you know what I say to that? I say, Screw that! This is my way of escaping my dull life. They give me something to think about. Star Trek, for example, is nothing more than the embodiment of an optimistic future. When we are constantly barraged with bad news about wars and starvation and disease, why not invest a little hope that something in our future will be good? Why not allow yourself the possibility of loving a character so dynamic that you wish with all your heart that Sydney Bristow could come over for dinner? Why not allow, for the tiny moment, that Hogwarts is out there this very minute, and that there are wizards and witches doing their best to make sure the world stays safe for all us muggles?
To all ten of you who read my blogs (I don't know who you are, since you never leave comments... hint hint), I ask, not for validation, but for comradery. Tell your stories. Don't be ashamed to own your fixations. Mine help me want to be a better person. And to anyone who would contradict me, I say:
I want to save the world. What's wrong with that?
Friday, June 8, 2007
Questions for the cosmic void
So this may be a little more of myself than I probably should post online, where all of my friends can see, but I need to put it somewhere. My roommates caught me crying last night, and I told them I didn't want to talk about it just then. But that won't hold them for very long, and I need to organize my thoughts, because I'm going to have to expain myself tonight, when I get home from work...
Also, a bit of a caveat... Pretty much I usually only write when I'm a bit on the depressed side.
Generally I'm a happy person, which explains the infrequency of my posts, I guess.
I've been really trying lately. By that I mean that I've been putting effort into my appearance.
I've been doing my hair, makeup, and thinking about my clothing choices more than normal. For those of you who know me pretty well, this is a switch for me. I'm much more comfortable in jeans and a disney t-shirt, with a baseball cap (usually with mickey mouse). Lately though, I'm wearing nice pants, fashionable shirts, and makeup. I'm doing my hair nearly every day. In the last two weeks, I've spent over $200 revolutionizing my wardrobe. In short, I'm doing my best to become one of those "Utah Mormon Girls."
On top of all of this, I'm excercising 4 days a week. I joined Weight Watchers with my roommate. I've lost 10 lbs in three weeks. I don't think I'm doing too badly.
When I was 20 years old, I was comfortable with the fact that individuals of the male gender didn't really take an interest in me. I wasn't ready for that whole universe anyway. But now, I'm motivated. I'm trying. And I'm getting nothing. At church yesterday, I looked dang cute. I sat down with some boys after church at our Linger Longer (for those who don't know, it's an excuse to eat food and mingle). My roommates were also there. And they got all the attention. 4 boys, with 3 girls. And I got nothing. I tried. I really did. It was like flirting with a blank wall. Everything I said seemed to disappear. Then, I had to endure all afternoon with my giggly roommates being all excited about these boys giving them attention. These boys that wouldn't even give me the time of day.
Later, at about 9:00, one of those guys, who spends a lot of time at our house anyway, came over to watch a movie. Only me and one other roommate were there. But it was like I wasn't even there. I hung around for as long as I could stand it, and then I excused myself.
So my question is, what's the point? If putting effort in gets me the same results as not putting in any effort, then why even try?
Also, a bit of a caveat... Pretty much I usually only write when I'm a bit on the depressed side.
Generally I'm a happy person, which explains the infrequency of my posts, I guess.
I've been really trying lately. By that I mean that I've been putting effort into my appearance.
I've been doing my hair, makeup, and thinking about my clothing choices more than normal. For those of you who know me pretty well, this is a switch for me. I'm much more comfortable in jeans and a disney t-shirt, with a baseball cap (usually with mickey mouse). Lately though, I'm wearing nice pants, fashionable shirts, and makeup. I'm doing my hair nearly every day. In the last two weeks, I've spent over $200 revolutionizing my wardrobe. In short, I'm doing my best to become one of those "Utah Mormon Girls."
On top of all of this, I'm excercising 4 days a week. I joined Weight Watchers with my roommate. I've lost 10 lbs in three weeks. I don't think I'm doing too badly.
When I was 20 years old, I was comfortable with the fact that individuals of the male gender didn't really take an interest in me. I wasn't ready for that whole universe anyway. But now, I'm motivated. I'm trying. And I'm getting nothing. At church yesterday, I looked dang cute. I sat down with some boys after church at our Linger Longer (for those who don't know, it's an excuse to eat food and mingle). My roommates were also there. And they got all the attention. 4 boys, with 3 girls. And I got nothing. I tried. I really did. It was like flirting with a blank wall. Everything I said seemed to disappear. Then, I had to endure all afternoon with my giggly roommates being all excited about these boys giving them attention. These boys that wouldn't even give me the time of day.
Later, at about 9:00, one of those guys, who spends a lot of time at our house anyway, came over to watch a movie. Only me and one other roommate were there. But it was like I wasn't even there. I hung around for as long as I could stand it, and then I excused myself.
So my question is, what's the point? If putting effort in gets me the same results as not putting in any effort, then why even try?
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